How to find a good wife? Instructions for men

How to choose your wife so that you don't have to worry about what pitfalls await a you in marriage. If you are interested please read below.

A good wife is a reward for a man

Finding a good wife is the hardest thing in life! But then, if you make the right choice, there will be a reward for life. There is nothing better than a kind, good wife in the world.

Career, money, football, friends, it's all nonsense. The main thing is the family and wife who are loving, kind, understanding, sacrificial, caring, tender, good mother for children.

 
That's what this is all about. Unless a man has chosen the way of a monk, when for the sake of God he renounces worldly affections and does not have families.

You have to choose your wife carefully

You don't have to get to know each other at random. Do not offer a hand and heart to everyone, so that, looking at the reaction, to choose a wife from those who agree. You are insured, and what is it like for a girl? Won't you embarrass her and give her hope for nothing?

Girls are gentle, trusting creatures, quickly fall in love and are very worried when their feelings do not meet reciprocity. Women have a more subjective view of reality than men.

Women trust their feelings more, so it is easy to believe that someone loves them and is going to make an offer.

Remember this: get to know the girls, but be very, very careful.

I've had a lot of those times when a girl comes to me and says:

- There is a young man, I like him very much, I would like to marry him.
- Does he want you to be his wife? - I ask a question.
- I think he likes me too, he smiles at me all the time.
I call for a young man:
- Is there such a girl, do you like her?
- Yes, so... not so much...
- Why are you smiling at her?
- I smile to everyone.

Be careful not to smile at everyone. Be discreet and careful, don't make any promises.

Look what she writes on social media

If you look closely at an Orthodox girl, I advise you to go to her parish before getting acquainted. Look who she goes to confess, talk to this priest. Tell him that you like this girl. Ask if you can meet her. Maybe she's already engaged, waiting for the groom from the army, so she goes alone. Or maybe she is not in the mood to get married and is preparing for monasticism. The clerk will warn you about this and give you advice that will help you not to get into an awkward situation.

But the point is not only that the girl's confessor will give you advice. It is important to know with whom your future wife will solve spiritual and family problems.

It's very good to know who this man is, who this priest is. Whether he is strict, whether you are ready to recognize his authority.

Learn more about the girl before you meet her. See what she writes on her social networks, who her friends are, what interests she has. It happens that the girl looks Orthodox, but on the page she does not understand that: she is "in active search" and believes that you can demonstrate their beauty, discuss some inappropriate topics. It happens, unfortunately, be careful. Before you get acquainted, take a closer look, think about it, weigh up the pros and cons.

How to make the first step?

It is better not to start with a decisive step. This is very binding. Sometimes friends invite lonely women to visit with the intention of introducing them. In this case, both know what meeting they are going to, and it can be awkward.

It is better to communicate by chance. For example, you learned that the girl is a volunteer. Sign up as a volunteer, look like a meeting, sit next to a girl at a tea party or a concert, talk as if by chance.

When you take the first step - inviting a girl to a movie or a walk - you are already making some commitments.

That's why it's better to get to know each other by accident, gradually. Not to hurt a girl, not to give her hope in vain, if you can not marry her later.

Don't look for the perfect look

Somebody likes blondes, somebody likes brunettes. Some of them are slender, some are fat. I had a friend who was looking for a wife with glasses. He thought if she was wearing glasses, she'd be smart. Someone would like his wife to sing beautifully.

But you should not be guided by the appearance of the girl. We should pray to God and ask that the marriage be according to God's will. This is the most important thing. First of all, we need to think about what her heart is, whether she knows how to love sacrificially, whether she loves children, whether she is ready to bring them up, whether she is careful, whether she is ready to respect your opinion? These qualities are necessary in marriage.

No matter how beautiful the girl is, you're not gonna corner her and admire her for thirty years.

In the end, it will grow old, the hair will turn grey, there will be changes in the figure. But you will not marry to boast in front of your friends, but to live with her. So that she loves you, so that she would put up with you, so that she would cook for you, so that she would help you. You are far from being "apollo" yourself.

It's best if you are the same age

Archimandrite John (Peasantkin) said that the difference in age over five years is already some obstacle to marriage. It's not an absolute obstacle, but it's better to have a wife of about the same age as her husband.

Of course, it happens differently. For example, the famous Moscow shepherd, a wise and experienced confessor, Archpriest Vsevolod Spieler was ten years younger than his wife Lyudmila Sergeyevna. Their marriage was very happy, they loved each other very much.

But I know other cases as well: when young men chose a wife 5 or 10 years older than themselves and received a blessing for this marriage, then began to look after young girls and marriages were destroyed. Unfortunately, this happens.

Who should I consult with?

I am very afraid when they turn to the so-called "elders" and they easily bless two unknown people for marriage. You have to be very careful with such "blessings". In our age, we need to create a family with a girl to whom there is a feeling of love, and not with the one whom "Father said" to marry.

Sometimes there is a physical aversion to another person, something elusive about him does not like. Someone else may not notice it, but you notice and you are uncomfortable, it is unpleasant to be around. Someone sniffs, someone picks with a toothpick in their teeth, someone fixes their clothes on themselves unattractively...

It is necessary to make a decision by relying on God, praying, but by yourself. You don't choose your parents, you don't choose your children, and you can choose your wife. And this choice is very serious. Talk to your confessor, talk to your parents.

The mind and heart must approve of your choice

Love has to connect to the mind. You cannot act on the basis of feelings alone.

When they say, "This feeling is stronger than I am! I can't handle it! - It's not true love, it's passion:

deceptive, selfish and exalted. Love must be in harmony with reason.

But there can be no purely rational choice: yes, beautiful, rich, humble, gentle, she has a good confessor, she has a good apartment, parents are rich, will do! I will get married! And her heart is silent.

No, I need to have a feeling for the girl, and my mind to agree with it. When there is consent of mind and heart - this is the right choice.

Probationary period - one year

My advice to you is to wait at least a year after you've already proposed. Sometimes this can be shortened, but it is better to wait. Women are fickle. A lot depends on their mood: in spring, in autumn, in winter, they may fall into despair, but in summer, on the contrary, they become too active.

And don't forget that when a girl wants to like you, she can make a deceptive impression on you.

She'll look in your mouth, agree with everything you say, and be very respectful. And then everything can change.

It's good to be doing some business together at this time. Take part in common projects. Find an opportunity to be with a girl in business and leisure.

You can go to museums together, you can go to the theater or skating rink, talk more. It is important to see a person in a variety of life situations.

Pay attention to how your lady talks to her parents, friends, what she likes, how often she dresses, how often she goes to the temple, how often she spends her free time, how she spends her vacation. Otherwise, you may marry a girl you don't know at all. And in marriage, your life together will be a torment - so different, incompatible will be your habits. Therefore, once again, I repeat: do not rush in any way should not.

The first kiss is at the wedding

It's very important to have chastity during the year before the wedding. To learn chastity. The first kiss is only allowed at the end of the wedding.

I will explain why. There are some mechanisms in a person, which are created by God. Not bad mechanisms, good ones. They are needed to have children, to have an expression of love, to unite people into one, not only the soul, but also the body. There is nothing wrong with that.

But these mechanisms should only come into play when you have chosen your wife as a human being and not as a partner to satisfy your carnal desires. Although, of course, marriage is a very important component of family life, but marriage is also a school of chastity, marriage is also a school of abstinence.

Sooner or later, a close relationship will end - well, at sixty, well, seventy, eighty, maybe. That is why it is impossible to found a family on them.

Body relations are a consequence of marriage, they are natural in marriage, but should not be the main thing. The main thing should be love for the wife, care for her, attention, empathy, desire to learn to love.

The joy of the marital relationship is brief and short-lived, and with this person you will have to live a lifetime. There is still the joy of friendship, the joy of spiritual communication, the joy of working together, raising children.

Married - kiss on your health!

When you have established your decision to connect your life with this girl, God blessed you and your parents - then after the wedding you can run all the mechanisms, kiss on your health! Maybe you shouldn't do it for show. At our parish weddings we do not shout "bitterly", and newlyweds behave restrainedly. And before the wedding you should avoid everything that can strengthen the carnal feelings and lead to severe sin.

Some people say: "We should try beforehand, whether it will work or not. This is not a Christian approach at all. It is possible and necessary to pray to God that "everything works out". And we pray in the sacrament of marriage for the unity of souls and bodies.

But bodily relations are often a source of grief in marriage. Over time, some of the spouses get bored, they become unnecessary, and some of the other way around. There will certainly be some inconsistencies. Don't be afraid of it.

Just don't make this side of the marriage dominant.

If carnal desires begin to grow before marriage, the person loses chastity, integrity of consciousness, becomes one-sided. It diminishes the spiritual, mental component of his human nature. Mind and higher feelings are dimmed by prodigal passion. Marriage is not based on real, selfless love, but on the desire to satisfy the flesh. I think this is the main reason for the destruction of the family in our time.

Therefore, it is important to develop friendly, trusting human relationships before marriage. Then the carnal aspect will become their natural end and will take the right place in the whole spectrum of family relations.

Prodigal passion - a dark moonless night, it crushes the soul with its gravity, makes a man a slave of rebellious flesh, deprives him of freedom, rejects communication with God, plunges into the gloom of uncleanness. Close relations of spouses are blessed by God, express their desire for complete unity, gain meaning in conception of the fruit of love - a child. Here the flesh follows the soul, is purified in the fire of love, and serves as an expression of love.

The joy of close marital relationships, inspired by love for the closest person in the world, has not been dreamed of by harlots and harlots, who have all the pleasure of satisfying the needs of the flesh.

The husband's first duty

Remember, your first duty as husband is to love your wife. Women are different. They know how to love more, they are more gentle, often more faithful. They have a beautiful, mobile soul. They are more attentive, more caring. And more fragile, weaker.

A man who is going to marry must be prepared in advance to protect his wife, understand her weaknesses, tolerate her shortcomings, listen to her experiences, comfort her.

You have to be firm in principle, and in the little things - let her do as she likes. If she wants to do it differently, please.

A wife must have an area of activity in which she decides everything herself.

With little kids, for example, let him do what he thinks is right. Don't get involved. Grow up, work with them, tell them, explain, etc. And while they are still babies, leave your wife the opportunity to make decisions for herself. Support her.

Don't be afraid to be gentle

When you first meet a girl, you're ready to talk to her for hours. And when she becomes your wife, it turns out that it is more interesting for you to go to your friends.

But wives are looking forward to their husbands' attention. They complain about my confession: "If he comes home, he won't say a word".

Gifts for your wife should be given not only for her birthday, but more often to support her in some way. Because it will be very difficult for her at home with her children.

You're at work, you have friends and acquaintances there, and maybe you haven't worked, but you've been surfing the Internet all day. You have an interesting life there, and your wife has all the same things every day - children, cleaning, kitchen.

It's not that easy for a modern woman.

So at home you have to support your wife, help her wash up, clean up. Do not say that "it's a woman's business, my business is to work, your business is to work at home". This is wrong. The traditional distribution of gender roles does not work now.

Don't be afraid to be different - don't be afraid to be gentle, gentle, caring and helping your wife. When coming home, do not demand from your wife's services to yourself. Be sure to talk to her.

You talked a lot at work, and she had no one to talk to at home. And don't swear that she's on the phone a lot: women need to talk more than you and I do.

I must note that this is not the case. One woman complained to me that her husband, coming home, was bothering her with conversations and questions, and she wanted to rest. Therefore, my advice to talk more, to communicate with my wife is not unconditional. We need to understand whether she can be pleased with a conversation or silence, and choose what she needs now.

You don't have to eliminate the shortcomings right away.

Take your time.

A man told me his wife started snoring over time. At first, he woke her up, and then he thought, "I wake her up, and she's tired. I'd rather have a little patience.

Don't let me sleep, but she'll sleep." And I stopped waking her up.

He told me that he felt very good about himself, as if he had done some kind of ascetic feat. Even such small feats of sacrificial love are very important in family life. And the family will get stronger. By the way, his wife stopped snoring at his prayers.

Make sure your wife gets some rest.

Do not interfere with your wife's acceptable entertainment.

Women like to go shopping and shop. And let her go, you don't have to go with her, you can sit in the car, wait until she comes back.

It's important to understand that for a wife it's a vacation, an opportunity to distract herself from home routine. Maybe it's not quite right, but that's how women have fun, relax.

Another option for recreation for some women - on the Internet to read something. The main thing is that for the whole day she did not go there. To do this, do not give your wife a bad example, try not to stay up in the network. I've seen families where everyone has their own tablet, they sit, drink tea, and everyone looks at something in their tablet. I'm afraid there is no communication in this family.

Don't give me any reason to be jealous

Be very careful when communicating with other women. Do not give reasons for jealousy. So that you cannot even be suspected of something. Because if you are free to behave with other women, it may seem that you are neglecting your wife and you are interested in someone else.

Before you get married, your friends come first. But when you get married, the first place for you will always be your wife.

You can visit alone, meet friends, but think about what your wife will do at this time? If she's bored, you'll have to cut back on your time with your friends.

If she has her own entertainment and her own girlfriends, you can split up for a while and spend the evening or weekend separately. I know that some mothers with many children are very happy to be able to stay home alone, but, of course, you need to arrange a joint vacation.

In marriage, a man becomes himself

Marriage solves many problems, but there are new ones. Marriage is not a solution to all problems, but a way to turn life into another quality. In marriage, a person becomes himself.

Marriage gives a man a chance to get to know himself. When an "alter ego" appears - the wife - you see it as a reflection of yourself.

In a family man, a husband, qualities develop that are impossible to develop without a wife given to him by God.

You have to be prepared to die for your wife.

When you choose a wife, you have to understand that you have to be prepared to die for that woman. But you should not risk your life in vain. If you die and she is left alone or with kids - she will face severe trials. It is easier for a man to live alone than for a woman. Previously, widows were even a special category of suffering, which the Church particularly helped.

Of course, your sacrificial attitude to your wife should not be expressed only in words, but also in deeds, in prayers, in readiness to really put your life for her and do everything for her. It is not necessary to speak about it specially, but internally it is necessary to adjust on it.

You should understand that you choose your wife once, and you will not have another wife. Priests do not have the right to marry a second time at all. The church allows a widowed man, for the sake of children, to find another wife. Still, it is better that the marriage is the only one.

It is better to remain faithful to your wife and believe that in the Kingdom of Heaven your family relationships will be transformed and the joy of love will be multiplied.