Lonely Russian women over 45
How do single Russian women over 45 live without family and children?
Some regret the missed opportunities and try to make things right, and some enjoy life and are not sad
Perhaps the bloodiest battle for rightness on the Web is between Russian women who are mothers and wives and proud singles who have time for hobbies, work and travel. The simple truth that everyone is free to choose their own path or bear their own cross, drowning in the desire of society certainly condemn, pity or advise a woman whose fate was different than usual. The editorial board tried to gather different stories of those who were in this situation and ask the experts what they think about it.
Here are some quotes about what lonely Russian women say:
- I am 47. No husband or children. And progress in this direction, it seems, is no longer planned. I've never been married, and I've been suffering and complexed out about it for a long time. At the same time I am all right with appearance and brains, have a house, a summer house and a good position. I'm thinking about adopting a baby - wrote on the forum Irina P.
- At 52, I clearly understand that motherhood and family home would not make me happy. First married at age 20 to a man of the same age. Thank God, I did not give birth by him. Naturally, we got divorced. Both were unprepared for marriage, an unmarried boy and a green girl. We lived together for four years. Had my own fun for 10 years - those were the best years, by the way. Married a second time at 37, but it didn't work out because of his former family, either. I didn't need children any more. From the height of my years, I look at the birth of my heirs differently. I see perfectly well what is going on in the world and the country. More and more I catch myself thinking: thank God I do not have children. I live in complete prosperity, I do not need anything, I do not worry about anything, - Lubov shared her story.
- I really wanted children. At least one. I was married from 27 to 32 years old, children did not come, though I suggested to my husband IVF, he did not want it, divorce followed. I spent the next seven years working hard for money, to change my house and save for a child; I probably never met a decent man because I slept six hours and worked three jobs. When I obtained what I wished - an apartment and money, I attempted IVF at the age of 40, but it did not succeed, I had two attempts, got upset, collected money again, and took a surrogate mother. Two surrogates did not take root; I realized that, apparently, my parents' reproductive line had ended for me. I came to the conclusion: I should adopt, but coronavirus, job loss, and I don't even know: regret or was it a sign. If I survive the "coronavirus" and keep my job, I will think about adopting as a single parent. I think that in the orphanage, he is in any case worse than with a single lady 40 +, despite her strange nature - shared on the forum woman with the nickname Guest.
- I am 50. I was married for 8 years, and then divorced. I have been living alone for many years now. Now I can't even imagine getting married. And I am so disappointed in men that I don't even strive for it. In general, in some respects, being alone is very comfortable. When I look at married people and see what problems they have in the family and how they bore their wives, and wives - their husbands, how selfish and impudent their children, I think: how nice that I am my own mistress and do what I want. No one is rude to me, not rude and does not get on my nerves. Although I know for sure, that by its nature, I had to be someone's wife and have children, because care for others - it is my nature. For lack of family of my own, I live the interests of my relatives. I work. Until recent times, I was very sad woman about my fate. But now no. I just want to live and enjoy life itself - nature, books, good movies, friends and stuff. Values have changed. But in the evenings all the same lonely, anxious, just want to howl - wrote a user with the nickname Lonely.
- I'm 47. My husband left me for another woman. No children, and the natural way did not work and will not. Health is not. I had to buy a house with a mortgage, there was no room for me in my parents' house. I did not get anything after the divorce. Everything from scratch. Nothing, except a job. If it wasn't for the mortgage, I would have been gone. Pain, longing, - Alena M. says sadly about her fate.
Loneliness: dangerous or useful?
Studies led by American psychologist John Cacioppo found that lonely people have increased blood levels of cortisol - the stress hormone. The fact is that loneliness is perceived by the body as a state of increased danger, when you need to be on guard, because, except for you, there is no one to take care of you. Preparing for a threat activates defense mechanisms: in addition to cortisol levels, blood pressure also rises. Let us clarify that we are talking here not so much about the absence of family, but about the impossibility of any close contact.
In addition, single people are more likely to suffer from insomnia and are at greater risk of dementia, says RBC, citing the British media. Psychotherapist Igor Lyakh does not agree with this opinion: he believes that loneliness is a serious stress for children and adolescents, and at middle age people learn to cope with such states and loneliness does not cause him significant changes, he is used to defend himself from it. Only sudden loneliness, for example, if an elderly woman's spouse has died, can become stressful.
Psychologist, psychotherapist and supervisor Marina Kharlamova believes that women with such a fate often try to stigmatize, to hang a label.
- Now a lot is changing, including in public life, this development is a variant of the norm. The historical course of events, the demographic factor "because statistically there are nine guys for every ten girls", culture, the urban way of life and many other things lead to the fact that such a variant of events is not uncommon. Society needs to learn to respect such fates and people's choices. Otherwise we will find ourselves in the Middle Ages, which rejected all dissimilarity - explains the expert.
Psychotherapist says that if these clients come into therapy only closer to 50, they often face the need to live through the grief of loss - the loss of their hopes, illusions, expectations.
- But I can't say that a family person at this age won't face this challenge, just that the subjects of grief will be different in some ways. If a person already has experience in therapy, however, this age may not cause any particular discomfort," she believes.
Marina Kharlamova says that a woman can lead a full life without becoming a wife and mother: in her opinion, family and children are not an immutable sense of life. The expert believes that people who put the whole meaning of their lives in children, who by this point usually grow up and yearn to live their own lives, which is absolutely normal, or people facing divorce at this age, which is also not uncommon these days, may face more problems.
- Single Russian women get used to leaning more on themselves, in some ways they may be more independent, in other ways, because of their sense of insecurity, they may be more vulnerable and embittered. The variability here is very large, it all depends on whether the man considers his life full, held, which is the result of their own free choice, or he will seem to be a victim of circumstances and feel unjust in the status quo, - concludes the expert.
Psychologists agree that family people are less likely to get sick even with a common cold, not to mention more serious illnesses. This is influenced by the availability of communication, good spirits and a positive attitude.
In this case, a single woman in a marriage can get sick more often than a single woman, if the quality of their relationship leaves much to be desired. It has long been proven that married men live longer than bachelors, but there is no unequivocal answer about women. The thing is that a woman in a marriage, as a rule, seriously increases the number of responsibilities, she forgets about herself and constantly worries about her husband and child.
